Those last few moments with my little girl

One of the nurses asked if I wanted to hold my little baby girl, and of course I immediately replied, “Yes.”  This would be the first time in months that I was going to be able to touch my youngest child; it would also probably be the last.  I took my turn in that rocking chair next to her bed after my wife stood up.  Two nurses carefully took Lindsay from Lynn and laid her in my lap.  The transfer was a little clumsy.  While many of the IV’s and tubes that had become of her life support had been removed, some things were still hooked up to her and had to come along.   

I looked down at my little girl, but her eyes had long since closed, so she couldn’t see me back.  I tried to soothe her as best I could.  Maybe I was trying to soothe myself.  I thought I might sing to her the little song I sang so many times to my other two young ones at bedtime.

When our Shawn and Brooke first came along, I wanted to put them to bed by singing them something.  The problem was I had never learned any lullabies.  So, I made one up!  I grabbed one of my favorite rock n’ roll songs and changed it a little to resemble some sort of lullaby.  That song is from Detroit rock artist, Bob Seger.  I grew up in the suburbs of Detroit, so the music of Bob Seger helped shape my life ever since I was a teenager.  That simple lullaby I made up to sing was from his song Beautiful Loser.  I knew it by heart, inside and out.  As I held my youngest child for the last time, I really couldn’t think of anything more important to leave with her, and I wasn’t sure how long she would remain in my arms.

Although I desperately wanted to, I couldn’t get the words to come.  In fact, I couldn’t get any sound to come out during those last few moments we shared.  The only things that seemed to come were some quiet tears.  I had really hoped I could somehow sing her to sleep one final time, but it wasn’t meant to be.  Not today.

As one of the nurses took her from me and laid her back on those very white sheets on that big hospital bed, I realized my little girl was going to have to move to her new home without her father telling her how much he loved her the best way he knew how.

That damn heart monitor across the bed kept reminding me of how fast she was slipping away.  My last memory of Lindsay would be one full of tired tears, helplessness, and hopelessness.  Suddenly, I wasn’t in the way again.

My four-month argument with God was coming to an end. The arrangement I thought we had, suddenly reached a conclusion I couldn’t accept. “I mean, I held up my part of the bargain.”

Apparently, I didn’t get to make up the rules. Sadness and anger began to fill my empty heart, but this ongoing discussion would have to wait. Grasping the severity of the situation, I quickly realized my wife needed me more than ever before. Oh, I wasn’t a hero. No, I just found it easier to help those around me and force my confusion down deep inside.

I guess it was time for this father to turn over the care of his daughter to another Father that would never be in the way…ever. 

“just in time”

After completing the first draft of my book, “A Gift…Only Borrowed”, I made the mistake of doing a word search in the Navigation Pane that is available on Microsoft Word. Apparently, I liked the word ‘Just’ a lot.  When I first looked at my original manuscript, I learned that I had used that word 182… Continue reading →

my best friend’s music

Flipping through YouTube videos, I stumbled upon several folks who had never heard of Bob Seger listening to his music. I loved watching them react while listening to his songs. I don’t know how anyone could possibly not know about bob Seger and his tremendous library of music, but then I have never listened to… Continue reading →

Standing naked on my front porch

“A Gift…Only Borrowed” – By Kirk Spencer While you can gain some comfort through your faith, you don’t always get answers to the questions you might be asking.  Sometimes the answers you receive may not fit neatly into what you wanted to hear.  Then again, maybe we are asking the wrong questions. My other two… Continue reading →

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kirkspencer0444@gmail.com

I've been married for 40 years with 3 children and 7 grandchildren. I spent my 45 year career in the grocery retailing industry, from bagging groceries to president of a customer dedicated national food brokerage company. I enjoy golfing, cooking, writing, all kinds of music, and more importantly watching my grandchildren thrive, especially in education and sports.

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